2007

Ever since I was a young girl, I've yearned to travel the world. Spending the greater part of my childhood in the care of a nanny, my parents had the opportunity to do just that. They'd come home from places I couldn't even imagine and all I could do in their absence was hope that one day, I would have such blessings.

As I sit on a small airplane along with about 50 other people, I realize it's not always as glamorous as I'd hoped. Attempting to take off in 30-40 mph winds, this small machine is being tossed around like a rag doll. A doll befriended by a child throwing a temper tantrum of monumental proportions. As the plane climbs in altitude I catch a glimpse of North Carolina from a birds eye view. It's interesting how invincible I felt at that moment. As if I was outside, looking in on my life. My heart beating with anticipation of this being my last flight, I close my eyes.

Here I am again. There's not much that scares me more than emotion induced over-thought, and when I'm alone…it's damn near unavoidable. I see the man in front of me clutch to his seat, obviously terrified of the turbulence our little plane has taken on. I look across the aisle at my two little sisters. I remember how lucky I am.

33 people killed in the most devastating shooting in American history. I get this gut wrenching guilt pierce me at my core. Loss is a part of life and yet I still struggle to make sense of such mindless tragedy. I've learned that perhaps I should avoid the news altogether. People want to know more. They want pictures and sound affects. And yet, that body you see was someone else's son. I guess it's okay just as long as he's not yours'… right?

I hold on to things and people I shouldn't. It's so clear that my life would be so much less complicated if I could just let things dissolve with the past. But…I just…can't. I hold every relationship, every road trip, every hurtful comment, every letdown, in the recesses of my soul. Each one of these things has a small piece of my heart invested into it. I can't let my heart go without a fight, experience is just too precious.

Thank you for being part of me; I'm still standing.